I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
