Tell her she can't have a vagina
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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