I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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