did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
