Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize