You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
