Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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