It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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