I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
