her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
