My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
