just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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