So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize