i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
