i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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