After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
