Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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