I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
