My liver just broke up with me...
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
