I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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