im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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