apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
