so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
