I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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