I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize