Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
