Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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