at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
