So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my sisters under your porch take her home
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
