That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
