I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
sex in a hospital.. check
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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