captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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