Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
