keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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