What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
