I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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