Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
