Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
