I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
