I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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