After last night, I could never be a politician.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My dick has a subreddit
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
