in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
