i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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