new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
