dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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