You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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