i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
