I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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