I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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