I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
