And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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