Princesses don't give blow jobs
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
