oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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