When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
