dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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