I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
