Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
