soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
