theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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