I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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