Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
