She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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