My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If I die, sorry about rent.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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