my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
